That whatever I’m searching for, in terms of being whole, will come to me when the moment is right and that I shouldn’t dwell on finding love, being content always, or even second guess my imperfections. I can’t define life, hell, I’m only sixteen, but what I do know is that it’s something so intangible that even those who have been from the roots and up don’t even know how to fathom this so called reality. Not only is this society ever-changing, it also seems to leave one at a standstill at a certain point in time. I may not be at the pace as every other person around me, but fear not, for I know where I want to be and I’ll be fine if my dreams aren’t far behind. I think that my path in the road to life hasn’t made the right turn, yet I’m not completely at a dead end, for now I’m just on cruise, you see. I want to be limitless with my talents and focus on my academics rather than socialize. I get that we’re all young and we should enjoy and live it up, but for me, it’s not like that. I may be serious more than one should be at my age, but that’s just me and I see things differently for my experiences have altered me to become this way—for the better. I was never one to be out partying on Friday nights, nor was I ever apart of a real ‘clique’ of friends. I can honestly count my true friends, well, on one hand..maybe even one finger. I know that it’s a sad thing to endure, but at the end of the day I see myself growing with the world in my own way rather than relying on the company of others. I want to live my life in the way the world and God wants me to, simply because we underestimate the power of nature and the beauty it holds, that we are so consumed with the daily phenomena of teenage gossip, celebrity scandals, a failing economy, and the media all together. How many people take at least five, maybe even ten minutes out of their day to appreciate where they are, who has entered their life, meditated to their own God, etc? I see the struggle in people and it consumes them, and they let it. Why? Why should those crinkles that crease a beautiful face be the signs of what life has done to them? I see that we are all too caught up in this helter-skelter world that we don’t truly appreciate why we are put on this earth for a reason. I don’t claim to know everything, not even in the slightest, but you see, that’s the thing. I want to. I want to know all that this world has to offer, from helping those in impoverished countries, to facing all my deepest fears, from understanding chemistry, to saving a life. I hear it all, breathe it all, see it all..but for the life of me, I can’t figure it all out.
If I could take back what I said—for damn sure I would. I opened a wound that should have been kept close, especially since it hurt someone who I love so dearly, sometimes, I just don’t show it. I feel terrible for what I almost said and bringing up the past is no excuse. I wish you wouldn’t have said what you said, as though you taunt me several times on it, but you don’t even know the emotional side behind the words you say, you don’t even know what I’ve been through..but the thing I said wasn’t any better, I should have thought about it before I spoke. I want to assure you it won’t happen again, and for that, I feel like I’m going to Hell or something comparable. You rarely cry, and act tougher than myself, but when I see you break down and tell me that sitting next to you disgusts you, it makes me feel like complete and utter shit about myself. I sometimes say things that are irrational because of the mood I’m in, but I haven’t analyzed the feelings that radiate from what I say. I have apologized several times to you, my dear, but I want to say that I love you entirely and if you could find it in your heart to forgive me, please consider. It scares me to think you actually think the worst of me, when I’ve been in your life all along. Maybe, I just need to show it more.
“This is love, isn’t it? When you notice someone’s absence and hate that absence more than anything? More, even, than you love his presence?”—Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated (via aepocrypha)